Is. To. Bond.

The primary purpose of sex is to bond with the person you marry.  That’s it.

That’s part of what makes sex abuse so devastating —  it messes with the ability to be with someone in a normal and healthy way.

That’s also part of why having sex with multiple partners before marriage increases the risk of divorce.

In a marriage, the connection, the good feelings, the sharing and intensity of having an attentive lover you truly care about is amazing.

If you want to have a strong relationship with your husband or wife, you need to have sex on a regular basis.

There are many other things which are important in a relationship, but that is for another day.

Why does the purpose of sex matter?

We live in a hyper-sexualized culture where sex is cheapened and the natural consequences of bad choices are muted through drugs, surgery, and an army of supportive people who will cheer bad choices.

If you want to stay grounded and happy you need to remember that sex is for bonding.   The stronger and happier your bond with your husband or wife, the better your life will be.

There are other purposes of sex, such as having children, but that is not the main point.

Each couple should find out and experiment to discover what works for them.  The bounds of propriety inside a relationship will be different for each couple.

Just having sex is not enough.

There are many things of a sexual nature that will undermine the bond.

Sexual acts will all fall some place on a spectrum between bonding or not bonding with your spouse.

Some acts are inherently degrading and destructive to relationships in general.

Some people will sleep around and will fail to have significant bonding with any one person and will not be grounded in who they are or what truly matters.

Some people cheat.  Cheating on your spouse is not only non-bonding, but will destroy whatever bond existed with your spouse before.

Pornography is non-bonding.  Some people watch pornography and will stir many of the same powerful feelings and urges created in sex acts and will result in bonding with a fantasy that is not obtainable, or in reality, a bond with nothing.  (Side note: have you ever tried to glue things together when one side has dried glue on it?  In order for the gluing to work, you must first remove the old glue, clean the surfaces and try again.  Just think about that for a minute, there’s a lesson there.)

Some people will be physically faithful to their spouse but will fantasize about other people while engaged in intimate acts.  This undermines the bond.

Some couples will seek for gratification and fun in any way possible that will tend to objectify their partner rather than treating them like a person.  This will undermine bonding too.

Being faithful in your, mind, body, and heart will be the best way to support the bond.

The Importance of Faces.

Every person and couple will have to decide at some point what is best for them and what lines are best to not cross then try to stick to it.

Keep in mind that being present in the moment, thinking of your spouse and keeping your faces in close proximity are all bonding activities.  Looking your lover in the eyes is a very powerful connection.

A face is what makes a person a person instead a collection of body parts (no matter how admirable those parts may be).  The face is the symbol of the person and lovemaking with your faces separated is like lovemaking without a person.  It tends to objectify the event rather than connect with a person.

If a particular sensation is very strong and your faces are separated so that you can’t really see each other, it is probably not strengthening the bond.

If a certain activity is based on gratification more than grounding the relationship, it may be wise to avoid as well.

If the feeling is so intense that the sensation is more important than your partner and you tend to objectify the event or your partner, it is weakening the bond.

A strong bond with your partner is more important than whatever may feel good or even mind-numbingly awesome.

Use your powerful  hormones and urges to bond with your spouse, not just to be amused and gratified.

Comments Welcome.

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