Right time, right place.

I noticed a couple of letters to the editor this week that were interesting.

The first one took to task some of the Gay Pride displays and activities in Salt Lake City this month.  The second one pointed out that lots of people who are straight also behave badly.

It is sort of silly to be writing these letters in the first place, but there is a difference in the behaviors of the two groups.  The first letter attacked the behavior of people at a Gay Pride celebration in Salt Lake City, not exactly a city known for wild parties or gatherings.

The second letter pointed out similar behavior at the beach and at Mardi Gras.  Oddly enough, it would seem that you could fully expect lots of people to be half-dressed at the beach.  Same thing with Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

I sympathize more with the first letter than the second letter.  The Gay Rights movement is loudly proclaiming how they want to make better inroads with the LDS faith and to be treated like everyone else.  It is not helping their cause to be wildly offending the more delicate sensibilities of the polite LDS folk they are trying to win over.

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Being a Good Follower

I know many people who are all about leadership education, excellence, high performance, walking to the beat of your own drum, doing your own thing, following your heart, and overall going ahead of the crowd to lead people.  It’s how differentiate yourself from the Sheeple.  I imagine this comic happening several times a day:

 

Leadership is a good thing.  We need more involved people willing to do the hard things and make a difference.

There can be too much of a good thing.  Some people think that we need to be an authority on everything, know everything, and do everything in order to be a great leader.  This person has the attitude of “forget the experts, I can learn what I need to know and guide myself, by myself”.  This person is an űber leader and has missed one of life’s biggest lessons we all need to learn.

The űber leader has failed to learn that sometimes you need to follow.

An indispensible part of being a good leader is listening and discerning when a good idea or person is worth following.  When you lead an organization or a council of sorts, you must listen to their input and ideas or else why have the council in the first place?

It should be one of the first and most basic lessons that leaders must master, when to be a good follower, listen, learn, implement, enjoy the fruits of your efforts.

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The Main Purpose of Sex

Is. To. Bond.

The primary purpose of sex is to bond with the person you marry.  That’s it.

That’s part of what makes sex abuse so devastating —  it messes with the ability to be with someone in a normal and healthy way.

That’s also part of why having sex with multiple partners before marriage increases the risk of divorce.

In a marriage, the connection, the good feelings, the sharing and intensity of having an attentive lover you truly care about is amazing.

If you want to have a strong relationship with your husband or wife, you need to have sex on a regular basis.

There are many other things which are important in a relationship, but that is for another day.

Why does the purpose of sex matter?

We live in a hyper-sexualized culture where sex is cheapened and the natural consequences of bad choices are muted through drugs, surgery, and an army of supportive people who will cheer bad choices.

If you want to stay grounded and happy you need to remember that sex is for bonding.   The stronger and happier your bond with your husband or wife, the better your life will be.

There are other purposes of sex, such as having children, but that is not the main point.

Each couple should find out and experiment to discover what works for them.  The bounds of propriety inside a relationship will be different for each couple.

Just having sex is not enough.

There are many things of a sexual nature that will undermine the bond.

Sexual acts will all fall some place on a spectrum between bonding or not bonding with your spouse.

Some acts are inherently degrading and destructive to relationships in general.

Some people will sleep around and will fail to have significant bonding with any one person and will not be grounded in who they are or what truly matters.

Some people cheat.  Cheating on your spouse is not only non-bonding, but will destroy whatever bond existed with your spouse before.

Pornography is non-bonding.  Some people watch pornography and will stir many of the same powerful feelings and urges created in sex acts and will result in bonding with a fantasy that is not obtainable, or in reality, a bond with nothing.  (Side note: have you ever tried to glue things together when one side has dried glue on it?  In order for the gluing to work, you must first remove the old glue, clean the surfaces and try again.  Just think about that for a minute, there’s a lesson there.)

Some people will be physically faithful to their spouse but will fantasize about other people while engaged in intimate acts.  This undermines the bond.

Some couples will seek for gratification and fun in any way possible that will tend to objectify their partner rather than treating them like a person.  This will undermine bonding too.

Being faithful in your, mind, body, and heart will be the best way to support the bond.

The Importance of Faces.

Every person and couple will have to decide at some point what is best for them and what lines are best to not cross then try to stick to it.

Keep in mind that being present in the moment, thinking of your spouse and keeping your faces in close proximity are all bonding activities.  Looking your lover in the eyes is a very powerful connection.

A face is what makes a person a person instead a collection of body parts (no matter how admirable those parts may be).  The face is the symbol of the person and lovemaking with your faces separated is like lovemaking without a person.  It tends to objectify the event rather than connect with a person.

If a particular sensation is very strong and your faces are separated so that you can’t really see each other, it is probably not strengthening the bond.

If a certain activity is based on gratification more than grounding the relationship, it may be wise to avoid as well.

If the feeling is so intense that the sensation is more important than your partner and you tend to objectify the event or your partner, it is weakening the bond.

A strong bond with your partner is more important than whatever may feel good or even mind-numbingly awesome.

Use your powerful  hormones and urges to bond with your spouse, not just to be amused and gratified.

Comments Welcome.

The Importance of Standards

It seems that more and more people are thinking that standards don’t matter.  Even worse, some people think we should not have standards at all.

Standards matter and are very important.

Millions of cars travel the roadways on tires that meet federal safety standards for tires.  The wiring and electrical infrastructure of millions of homes meet certain building codes for safety and fitness of purpose.  The running water in your house meets EPA standards for purity.  Cell phones must meet FCC standards for communication devices.  International trade and sales are made possible by uniform standard weights and measures.

We have standards for nearly everything.  We ruthlessly impose standards for inanimate objects with no will of their own.

Why are we so loath to even suggest standards for people when people are so much more important than objects?

The reasons people don’t want standards likely fall into a few common categories.  1- Fear of not meeting the standards so it is better to ignore them or pretend they don’t exist, 2- Ambivalence about whether the standards matter, 3- Ulterior motives to be allowed to behave badly to inspire bad behavior in others, or 4- Observed Hypocrisy where people who are not perfect continue to push for a higher standard while falling short themselves.  None of these reasons are good ones or sufficient.  Standards matter.

We need standards so that we can know what sort of behavior to aspire to.  Standards are required if we want to measure our own behavior to see how we are doing.

What standards are you following?

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Be Someone Already

I was at a viewing the other day.  A granddaughter to the dearly departed was late.  As the viewing was ending and the casket was being closed for the last time, the granddaughter showed up at the back of the room.  She felt powerless to ask for a few moments and I saw the emotional tragedy unfolding.  She was heartbroken that she was too late to see her grandmother’s body one last time.

I sat there thinking, “someone should say something”.  It was killing me to see this emotional turmoil unfolding.  The granddaughter would miss out on once-in-a-lifetime event because she was late.  The casket was even being closed slowly enough so that the moment of loss was prolonged.  Again I thought: “someone really should say something”.

Then I had an epiphany.  I *am* someone.  So I spoke up to ask for a few more moments and an emotional tragedy was averted.

How often have you seen something sad, improper, or inappropriate unfolding and said nothing?  All it takes is to get past your discomfort and do something.

Be someone who makes a difference and speak up.

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